But fret not, gentleman. There are more ways than one to score goals. All you need to know is what type suits your skill set and personality best, then refine your game to perfection and test them out - whether in a cafe, bar or even the bookstore.
For the ladies, do read on. It's interesting and useful to know which type of player your guy friends are, or aspires to be - whether they like to admit it or not.
So ladies and gentleman, introducing these finest five specimens that the Y-chromosome gene pool has to offer...
1. Cristiano Ronaldo ('The Special One' or 'The Solo One')
He is the perfect alpha male. A body sculpted in proportions unseen off since the days of the Olympian Gods, a face that could plant seeds of doubts in a nun's head.
His goal-scoring record is prolific and phenomenal. By the end of the 2012/2013 season, he's scored 201 goals out of 199 games in all club competitions for Real Madrid in four seasons - that's more than 1 goal per match on average!
What's amazing is not how many goals he's scored, but how he scores them. He can sizzle crackers from outside the penalty box. He has the poacher's instincts to time his run just in time to toe-poke the ball a few inches pass the goal-line. He's even good in the air. He feels, rather than thinks.
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| He's sexy and he knows it. |
Talent is on his side. He's been scoring goals for fun and basking in the limelight even before hitting the legal drinking age. Time is on his side. He'll only get harder, better, faster and stronger.
Strengths - He's got the groove and the moves to melt any ice queen, he oozes with the cockiness of James Bond and Barney Stinson. Try as they might, most ladies can't resist him. And unlike lesser mortals, he doesn't even need a wingman to cover him - he's an unstoppable homing missile.
Weaknesses - He tries too hard to score from impossible angles. He will have as many misses and hits. Selfish and stubborn - that's a sure formula to attract haters and saboteurs. As a marked man, he may need to up his own game to penetrate tighter defences built up in specific preparation for him.
Similar Type Heroes - Zlatan Ibrahimovic and Mario Ballotelli.
2. Mesut Ozil ('The Stylish One' or 'The Silky One')
The magician. The artist.
He's a master in crafting goals. Not just any goal, but beautiful goals. Technically gifted, he knows how to weigh the perfect pass, and when to apply the coup de grace. He loves to assists, but he's not shy to score himself, if a passage to the gaping goalmouth opens up invitingly.
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| Gunning to be on top. |
Unlike Ronaldo, he lacks natural physique and athleticism and took slightly longer to rise on the centre-stage. But what he lacks in pace and power, he makes up with style and guile. And he's a true student of the art - always devoted to improvising and evolving his game, to stay ahead of the pack.
Strengths - He knows how to unlock impregnable defences due to his acute understanding of human psychology. He knows exactly what ticks a lady's mind, and tingles a lady's heart. And that's because he's read, watched and learnt how the past greats razzle and dazzle in their prime. Now in his own prime, he's writing and orchestrating his own sweet tunes, mesmerizing and inspiring other aspiring players.
Weaknesses - Obsession with finesse over force may hinder his game, especially in times where all that's really needed is an extra push of tenacity. Over-thinks, over-analyses. Easily frustrated and disappointed with his poor execution, he gives up far too easily and sometimes go missing in games.
Similar Type Heroes - Andres Iniesta and Zinedine Zidane
3. Luiz Suarez ('The Sleazy One' or 'The Shameless One')
A true winner. Honour means nothing to him. Victory means everything. He embodies the play-to-win philosophy to its pragmatic extreme.
He's the ultimate trickster. He's got a bagful of tricks. Heck, he'll deliberately stop a goal-bound ball with his hand, if that's what it takes to save his country from going one-down at the closing stages of extra-time and being knocked out from the World Cup, even if it means being sent-off and missing the next game.
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| Never, ever try to retort "Bite me" sarcastically to this one, ladies. |
He's loud, rude and uncouth. He's not lacking technical skills. It's just that when his skills fall short, he's not afraid to push legal and ethical boundaries, to score that ugly winning goal.
Strengths - He will lie and cheat (about his age, work, relationship status, etc.) to steal hearts. He'll move in for the kill when a lady is at her weakest, whether on the brink of emotional heartbreak or intoxication. His loose moral code allows him to conquer forbidden frontiers where others dare not venture.
Weaknesses - Sooner or later, the shepherds and sheep will learn to see through the wolf's sheepskin. His veneer of forced sincerity and kindness will fall, revealing his cruel intentions. They will spread the word to their sash of sisters, and the trickster will need to find a new playground.
Similar Type Heroes - Marco Materazzi and Diego Maradona.
4. Andrea Pirlo ('The Scheming One' or 'The Subtle One')
Most times, he's not in the thick of action. Or so it seems. But he's actually right there, in the background, making small moves that lead up to big action.
He lies deep in his own half, but his excellent vision, positioning and game sense grants him control over the entire field. He controls the tempo of the game. He waits and baits the opposition.
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| Look no further. It's a goal. |
He may not be as active as the players higher up-field but he exudes passive dominance. Calm as a mountain guru, silent as an assassin. He is truly a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. His ultimate spell lies in hitting the perfect pass, the perfect shot, before the other side even sees it coming. He'll catch you with your pant(ie)s down.
Strengths - A master strategist and tactician - he knows when to move in and when not to, he knows who's ripe for the picking and who's not. That way, he conserves his energy and time well. He may not have many goal attempts, but every shot he makes is almost a sure goal. His 'devil-may-care' aura occasionally lures ladies to make the first move - which is all part of the master plan.
Weaknesses - Patient probing invariably means prolonged gratification. Conservatism may cause him to miss marginal opportunities that other players will gladly take up. Yes, he may have a good hit-and-miss ratio, but he will never rank high among the top goal-scorer index.
Similar Type Heroes - Xavi Hernandez and Xabi Alonso
5. Filippo Inzaghi ('The Lucky Bastard')
Let's just call him 'The Lucky Bastard'. Because that's what he truly is.
One-footed, one-dimensional. Yet, he's the second highest goal-scorer in the European Champions League with 70 goals, behind Spanish legend Raul Gonzalez. He goes missing for long periods in matches, leading to Sir Alex Ferguson to remark that he "must have been born offside". Yet, he only needs a single touch to register a goal.
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| He doesn't need to stay up all night to get lucky - just an hour is all he needs (or hour and half tops). |
Call it luck, call it intuition. Whatever it is, he's always at the right place, right time. With seemingly minimal planning, minimal effort, he somehow finds a way to deliver what matters most - putting the ball behind the net.
Strengths - One moment he's ambling alone and aimlessly around the bar, the next moment he's lounging on a sofa whispering sweet nothings to a giggling beauty. Location, location, location. Timing, timing, timing. He just knows how to find love in the most hopeless of places.
Weaknesses - He needs luck, but can't make his own luck. He has to hope that a prey wanders into his hunting grounds, and that there are no other skilled and seasoned hunter around, otherwise he'll most likely lose out in the hunt. His ability to score wholly depends on the location and timing - external factors beyond his control.
Similar Type Heroes - Klaas-Jan Huntelaar and Andy Cole
Extra-Time
There are other kinds of players, of course. But we only care about the winners, not the losers.
So gentleman: Know your strengths and weaknesses, so you can improve your game.
And ladies: Now you know who they are. Game on.
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